Losing the lost

How are you supposed to feel when you lose someone that you used to be close to, but the connection was frayed and very close to severed over the years?

I keep thinking about good times, fun and laughs had in various situations, and the bad times, which I don't really want to list here.

No doubt I've said some bad things in recent years, some played off in humor and others straight-off honesty.

I don't feel bad about saying things because I haven't lied, and I'm sure she said some things about me too.

But even with more than a thousand miles and years of separation, it still hurt that she is now gone. It actually stung a lot more than I thought it would.

It's weird because I haven't really felt much of anything, emotion-wise, in quite awhile. Good or bad.

Questionable handing out of "I love you" to some that I think I did, maybe, and to some I know I do. But I don't always feel it.

Times I know I should be angry and I fake it, because it's easy to act that one up, but inside there is mostly no change in the temperature.

Pain has been here and there, depending on what is happening. Usually a sneak attack around multiple crappy events.

Once or twice within the past couple years it has gotten to me, but just briefly.

Like now. I stopped this morning and cried for about 3 seconds. That was it, it was done and I haven't had a ounce of it come back.

But my brain keeps firing all these memories and thoughts at me. Reflecting on someone I've known my entire life, that is now gone.

I try to indulge a bit of the reminiscing, but I've been working all day. Which I'm kind of happy about, because the day is almost over, after I eat and take a shower there won't be much time to sit and think.

But I know tomorrow won't be a new day, some of today will still be waiting at the foot of my bed for me to wake up. It might even creep in before that.

I know a few other people who have cut someone out of their life. But I don't know any who have and then had that person die. So I've got no real example on how to carry this thing.

If I come up with anything profound, I'll be sure to write it down.

It's easier, because I'm not there. Around everyone that does care, but I still have a lot of sympathetic emotion. It's awful talking on the phone about death.

Once I had to inform my grandfather that his daughter had been killed. It was awful to do over the phone, I felt like a jerk.

For this I just don't know how to be. I can't really help anyone, other than by talking, and I suck at that. I just feel this awkwardness sitting in my stomach.

And a bit of guilt, I guess, but quickly the truth bounces back and they roll around and fight in my head.

Maybe I shouldn't have let things drift apart so far. But, communication is a two way street, so maybe we both dropped the ball.

I guess if I thought someone really didn't want to talk to me I wouldn't try to contact them. So who knows. It's too late to find this shit out now. So why am I thinking about it?

Because that is apparently what my mind wants to do.

There isn't anything productive I can do though. So, all I do is think and wonder.

I can't even write anything clever. So I'm stopping.