Laid off, pissed off, disappointed and hopeful. Confused?

It's been a few days now so my initial frustration has subsided but I was laid off at my paper this week. I don't hold any ill will or whatever to anyone at the paper, but I have been watching newspapers circle the drain and I want to vent about it in broad terms.

Anyone even remotely close to newspapers is familiar with the looming beast of layoffs.

I've been through layoffs at papers before, seen people that work hard get cut for no other reason than to get the budget in line. Others stay for reasons that no one else in the newsroom can figure out.

Others have said for years now that newspapers are dying. It doesn't take a genius to see that. I got into newspapers at a bad time; I almost typed "the worst time," but honestly that is every day. Every day accountants that make decisions to keep the ridiculous profit margins that newspapers held in their prime, but what they are really doing is just squeezing the life out of them. That reduces the quality which reduces the readership which reduces the advertisers.

It's like the number crunchers and people in charge are standing there watching the water boil over on the stove, notice all the paint peeling on the wall and see their curtains are missing; they try to deal with the individual problems instead of realizing that their fucking house is on fire. But they are just letting it burn and handing the still smoking vestiges to their employees expecting them to carry on like the roof isn't coming down sooner or later.

The death of newspapers is an inside job.

Of course journalists will make due; people shift responsibilities and take on far more duties to keep the paper going. Partly, yes, because they survived and are glad to still have a job...but more aptly because they love the work. Journalism isn't something you do for money, it's a passion, it's a calling. All these hedge fund guys and accountants know they can just ring the living hell out of the staff because journalists can and will take it.

Oh, they will complain, sure. The three things most journalists do best is their jobs, drink and complain. But they will usually take any and all injustice handed down from the corporate level and still do their jobs.

I don't know if there has been a journalist strike in America in recent history and I can't really see it happening.

It is the same principle as police, firefighters and doctors/nurses; the public would suffer. Obviously not in the same way. If your paper doesn't show up your day won't be ruined like if your house burnt to the ground, but over time an uninformed populace will suffer.

It might seem like that is pretty lofty ideal of the role of a newspaper, but that is the beating heart of dedicated journalism. You crank out your work day after day until something amazing comes in front of you and then you hopefully get to tell a story that changes something.

Well, despite this recent soul crushing experience I still want journalism in my life. I have been working on a plan to make something of my own in the realm of journalism for the last year or so. I'm was hoping to push it out into the world near the end of the year to see if there was any interest and hopefully start to find backers and partners.

I don't want to launch it too early out of panic because I'm unemployed, so I'm going to keep working on it and hopefully I'll have something to share in the near future.

A Swinging good time

Had a nice change of pace from my recent mood of edging on being burnt out with my job that still has my journalistic juices flowing after a fun weekend.

At the end of last week an a capella group, the Swingle Singers, visited the local college for a performance while they tour Texas. The group did a workshop for local schools and singers the day before their performance. It took forever to start because schools that were supposed to show up didn't, which was a shame for them, because everyone else had a blast.



They made the audience warm up by jumping around and being crazy, played fun singing games and then listened to local groups sing and gave them critiques, then performed themselves.



I was shooting video through the whole thing, trying to balance video and still photo. Sadly they both suffered a little, but it all turned out decent.  It was really fun to shoot, I had the songs stuck in my head and when I went home at the end of the day and I started throwing the video pieces together.

Quickly I realized I should have done an interview with the singers.  There wasn't really time to do it at the event though.  So I vented my disappointment on various venues of the www.  One of the singers from the group saw it and said they would be up for an interview.

So the next day after I finished work and hurried over to the venue they were performing at, not sure when they were supposed to be done or if they were even still around.

But the god of journalism, I call him Journalisto, was smiling down on me, because I got there just as they were walking out of the building to load their gear.

I got some interview stuff with two of the singers, the sound level was a little low but it was way better than the nothing I had previously.

So I left there on a journalistic high and it has been carrying me until now.  I spent a large chunk of my day off on Sunday putting the video together. I have most of my recent "highlight" videos boiled down to an hour or so production time.

But because I cared about this video (and am using a crappy free video editor) I spent hours nitpicking the placement and overlaps and transitions.  Now I feel like I know these people, I've developed crushes on the girls and fascinations with all of their talents.  I've watched a few of their videos online, one where they do a flash mob style singing on a subway in London was awesome.

So I present to you, my Swingle Singers video. Enjoy, I did. :D

Running

I've been floating day-to-day here. I'm feeling uninspired. I need a photo story to work on, like my Digmann or Jacob projects.  I told my editor I would like them to post a call for idea submissions on the facebook for me to do a story on, but it has yet to be posted.

I need this. I need something to occupy myself - to drive my work forward.  In Michigan at this time I would have just had my photojournalistic batteries recharged by attending the Michigan Press Photographers Association annual banquet.  Watching professional visual people judge the works of the best photographers in the state is unmatched in experiences...even if you don't win anything.

I didn't enter anything to MPPA for 2010, which was stupid, because I had some decent stuff.  But really it was the experience of watching as your photo comes on screen, hearing maybe a few rumbles of comments from the crowd and then having your hopes dashed when the "out. out. out" sounds out from the judges.  Having one win, or even be held to the second round of judging, is dizzying.

But mostly it is just seeing what all these great visual artists can do in a year will really kick you right in the face when you have settled into a kind of rut at your paper.

I always try, despite the toll it takes on me sometimes, to keep a fresh log of photographers that are better than me. These days CMU is cranking out classes that I would have a tough time of breaking into the middle of. It's cool, from my time there and at the Sun, seeing some of these kids after me become amazing photographers. It makes me feel like a piece of crap, but it's amazing to watch.

That said...here are some photos.








On a non photo front, I've been trying to run in the mornings.

My bike was broken for a little while and I was starting to get out of the habit, so I just went down to the track near my house and tried to run.

It's been slow going, because I'm out of shape. Riding a bike is pretty easy, so I've been diluting myself. Riding almost 20 miles seems like a lot, but I need to ride that many to really work up a sweat.

The big hindrance to running is my knees suck, but I've been trying to fight through it.  I got a brace thing and after a few days some actual running shoes.

Ran a few tour de stades or whatever the hell you call them, when you run up and down all the steps in a stadium.  Had to drive a short ways to the big football field to get some real steps, but it fits my running style better, I think.

I've always liked running up steps, I feel like if I stop I'm going to regret it. Running on flat ground is too easy to give up on.

I'm weird.

Rumors of my death have been exaggerated

Yes, I am in fact still alive.

I've been a swirling mix of busy, bored to death not busy, completely engulfed by some video games and tired. Most of these situations have also had a nice coating of pain from a re-occurring back pain that makes me so angry that I attach the hate to what I am currently doing.

It has some complicated thoughts and evaluations of my lot in life. But in moments of pain or the sweet joy of...not pain I still take photos.

I have quite the backlog to post, but luckily I have just put together my end-of-year contest submissions. I have total control over my National Press Photographers submission, but the ones through the paper were chosen from my initial selection by people I will admit I don't entirely trust as far as photo critiquing goes.

I love having eyes other than my own to look at my stuff, so I can get a unattached opinion, but if it is someone that has told me to stop doing my job creatively...well, come on.

Anyway, things are progressing.

I will admit in the months since my last post my passion for journalism is waning, which breaks my fucking heart. But I'm not sure how much validity to give to my thoughts right now, because I seem to have lapsed into one of my angry Ryan phases. It's been a long time since I've been in one and I have to say I used to kind of enjoy the distance it provided me from real self evaluation. But this one is different and I don't like it. So I've turned back to one of my old favorite venting techniques (besides video games), writing. Which is partially why I am clicking the keys right now.

Even if I hold back some of what I want to say, the process of just writing what is currently running through my head is like opening a gate to release the flood waters. Because at any moment something stark and truthful might just appear on the screen. Usually I will backspace over it, because this is a public forum and I don't want the entire world (Hi, world!) to know everything I think. But it works like those letters you write and then never send. Venting.

Okay, so here are some of what I think are my best work from the year that I haven't already posted. As I'm loading the photos on I may describe what I did or the story behind the image, if it is interesting.

I'll start with what I think is my favorite shot from the year.


Shot an event for a bunch of Marines returning from Afghanistan, but got there an hour and a half before they actually showed up. So I had some time to wander around and find interesting photos. I like almost everything about this photo.

Firefighter training. I felt brave standing right under this mock roof that they were swinging an axe into.





This is was a freaking awesome event. This local taekwondo studio hosted a squad from Korea that did some straight-up Matrix kung-fu shit. Jumping off a couple dudes to kick a board held on the top dude on a pyramid of STANDING people! I got some sweet stuff I was out loud saying "holy shit" about every other setup that they did. Then I got back to the office and my memory card corrupted and I lost every picture except this one and another. It was LAME!




He was trying to choke the chicken...too easy


He turned 11 on 11/11/11




Ending with my favorite sports shot of the year. Trying to do this same effect with a different runningback but the shot never worked with that kid.

Well, that's it for now.

I've had some decent stuff in January, including driving to Houston just to shoot tailgating at the Texans playoff game. It was kind of tease, but then I almost got run over by a car...so there was that.

I'll get to that stuff soon...hopefully. Or maybe in six months. :D

Photographic Ventilation

A recent study found that photojournalists have the fourth most stressful job in the country.

And that the average salary is $43,000. I believe the study is more on the current war photographer slant than us domestic photographers...but I still agree with it. There is some stress, a lot of it is annoying and pointless. I'd really like to make $43k too.

My biggest stress currently is that I try to make dynamic story telling art and my best photos don't always get used in the paper. Why? I don't know.

It's starting to annoy me, I haven't mentioned it to anyone in power at the paper yet...but I'm getting close. How am I supposed to win awards and establish myself here if only my 3rd or 4th best images go in the paper?

Photography in general is one of those things that a lot of people think they can do, and for the most part it is. Anyone can pick up a camera and take a shot, but that doesn't mean it will be good.

That is why there are professional photographers. To steal an line from Louis C.K. talking about comedians; It's like football. Anyone can play football in their backyard, but it doesn't mean people will pay to watch it.

Anyway, partially vented now.


This was from a fire department fundraiser at Baskin Robbins. Just really like her expression. She is looking up at the ladder truck that you can see reflected in the window. I wanted to get up close and focus on just her and the window, but she saw me and smiled...ruining my cool shot.

I finally got to go on one of the rivers around here. The San Bernard River has a "Friends of..." organization and a lady said I could go out with them some time, but then never called me. But last week I covered a river clean up and got to see a little bit of the river. She told me she had lost my card, but found it I got to tag along on one of their garbage sweeps. Super sweet, I want to get a kayak and row around...but not sure how to handle getting back.

I'm not a greenpeace, pot smoking hippie...but it really bothers me that people throw their garbage into rivers and oceans.


This pile of crap was picked up in the hour I was on the boat and there is more out of frame.

Why? One of the people on the boat with me said a few years ago there were tons of appliances pulled out of the river. How hard is it to go to the fucking dump? Grr.

I'm not going to post the picture, because it makes me mad to look at it, but I was shooting a teacher appreciation thing at a school today and this littler jerkface ruined my picture.

This class rented a limo for their teacher because she'd never been in one, and they did a surprise reveal thing outside and one of the kids was smiling and staring at me, so I moved to cut him out of the frame. And the little bastard stuck his hand in front of my lens while the teacher was reacting to the limo coming up in front of her. Then the little brat did it again after I told him to not do that. I wanted to punch a first grader, well, not really. But I wanted to tell his mom on him, jerk. I wish it was 20-30 years ago and I could have spanked him and called his mother so she could spank him more when he got home. But back then he probably would have been more well behaved.

Little shit. Haha. There, ventilated nicely. Core temperature back to normal.

I also shot a business portrait today, it was actually for an advertisement but I didn't know that at the time. I was pretty pleased with it for not having a whole lot of stuff to work with since the place was under construction. The girl was cool and waited while I paced around like a loony person looking for the best spot and angle.

The sign is actually reflected in the mirror, so you can read it. Yeah...I'm a genius. :D

Tears of the Innocent

Like the soul sucking vampire bastard I am, the tears of innocent people cleanse my pasty skin like clean, cool spring water.

Well, not exactly. I'm never super comfortable when people are crying, but it does make for powerful photos.

A person is in front of your lens at their most truthful and exposed moment. It's a bit of weight to make sure you capture the moment in the most thoughtful way possible.

Texas A&M have a muster every year, where grads from the school get together and be merry. At the end they remember any alums that have died in a candle lighting ceremony.



It was nice, very dark, but nice.

On the flip side of that event, crying can be fun.



I kind of felt like a Nazi, laughing and taking pictures as some of these kids bawling their eyes out...but it was pretty funny.



Just a quick one this time. But on a creative related update, I've been writing almost every night. I have the urge every so often and I have a folder full of started stories. Some a page long, some twenty.

This one is up to 40 now, and I haven't gotten to the part I'm really thinking about. So it's working pretty well.

It's sort of a weird fiction/autobiography that I'm having a lot of fun writing.

I was thinking about posting some of it, but I'm always weird about letting people read stuff before it's finished...unless it's Jada, because she's been reading my stuff since high school. Normally I feel like I have to stand there to justify and explain things, in case there is some confusion.

Anyway, we'll see where it goes.