Losing the lost

How are you supposed to feel when you lose someone that you used to be close to, but the connection was frayed and very close to severed over the years?

I keep thinking about good times, fun and laughs had in various situations, and the bad times, which I don't really want to list here.

No doubt I've said some bad things in recent years, some played off in humor and others straight-off honesty.

I don't feel bad about saying things because I haven't lied, and I'm sure she said some things about me too.

But even with more than a thousand miles and years of separation, it still hurt that she is now gone. It actually stung a lot more than I thought it would.

It's weird because I haven't really felt much of anything, emotion-wise, in quite awhile. Good or bad.

Questionable handing out of "I love you" to some that I think I did, maybe, and to some I know I do. But I don't always feel it.

Times I know I should be angry and I fake it, because it's easy to act that one up, but inside there is mostly no change in the temperature.

Pain has been here and there, depending on what is happening. Usually a sneak attack around multiple crappy events.

Once or twice within the past couple years it has gotten to me, but just briefly.

Like now. I stopped this morning and cried for about 3 seconds. That was it, it was done and I haven't had a ounce of it come back.

But my brain keeps firing all these memories and thoughts at me. Reflecting on someone I've known my entire life, that is now gone.

I try to indulge a bit of the reminiscing, but I've been working all day. Which I'm kind of happy about, because the day is almost over, after I eat and take a shower there won't be much time to sit and think.

But I know tomorrow won't be a new day, some of today will still be waiting at the foot of my bed for me to wake up. It might even creep in before that.

I know a few other people who have cut someone out of their life. But I don't know any who have and then had that person die. So I've got no real example on how to carry this thing.

If I come up with anything profound, I'll be sure to write it down.

It's easier, because I'm not there. Around everyone that does care, but I still have a lot of sympathetic emotion. It's awful talking on the phone about death.

Once I had to inform my grandfather that his daughter had been killed. It was awful to do over the phone, I felt like a jerk.

For this I just don't know how to be. I can't really help anyone, other than by talking, and I suck at that. I just feel this awkwardness sitting in my stomach.

And a bit of guilt, I guess, but quickly the truth bounces back and they roll around and fight in my head.

Maybe I shouldn't have let things drift apart so far. But, communication is a two way street, so maybe we both dropped the ball.

I guess if I thought someone really didn't want to talk to me I wouldn't try to contact them. So who knows. It's too late to find this shit out now. So why am I thinking about it?

Because that is apparently what my mind wants to do.

There isn't anything productive I can do though. So, all I do is think and wonder.

I can't even write anything clever. So I'm stopping.

WTF: A Favorite Shot to date and an outtake.

Some people pull crap faces when you take their picture. It just happens, I do it a lot because I don't like having my picture taken.

It's more frustrating when they know you are taking their picture and you even countdown for them, but whatever.

This wasn't a situation like that.

I was shooting a "living" nativity at a local church and saw one of the kids that was playing a shepherd keep turning around to look in the crowd. It took a bit to get the shot, but I think it's one of my favorites so far. The light is neat, he is very dynamic in the frame.

It was dark outside, but he was right in front of a light, so it looked nice.



I got a couple good ones, but he also pulled a weird face when he saw me taking pictures. Thought it was funny enough to share.


Wah?

That's it for now.

WTF: Workin' the Facts: Seeing Red

Had an assignment last night on the Planet Arium. Strange beings everywhere talking about outer space and lights.

Okay, that wasn't funny, but I tried dammit.



Got kind of a fun shot here.

The director lady kept turning up the "house lights" so that late people could walk in, but they were red lights so that it didn't ruin your night vision.

Overall most of the stuff was too dark for the magical D3 to capture before the show transitioned, but it was kind of fun.

I got to see the show for free.

This is going to be the story for the upcoming Entertainment Connection. I wanted this shot as the cover, but the guy laying it out wasn't sure it was going to work. But I just saw the page and he used it, and it looks bitchin!

Red doesn't always reproduce very well on CMYK press, but hopefully it will look decent.

I've always liked astronomy, I can't remember a lot from the class I took, but overall it's interesting.

Purty Pikturs

Since I moved to Texas I have had an idea for an art project that I think will be pretty cool.

I've been working on images for it, but I haven't exactly figured out how I'm going to do it yet.

Basically what I'm saying is, I've been taking some artsy, cool photos but don't have anything to do with them yet.

Hurray for a blog then, right?

Here I can put up fancy photos and pretend like I was just shooting them for the sake of doing it. Which I kind of have been.



Been having fun with shallow depth of field, contrast and color stuff.

This is all stuff I shot today while waiting for wrestling practice to start.



I have some more stuff. I've compiled over my time here, and some old stuff I've been going through. The more I go through my photos I think to myself. "Shit, I'm pretty good at this sometimes."





It isn't actually part of my project, but the more I think about it, having a show of my work would be fun as hell. Not the printing and framing, if that's how I did it, but seeing a bunch of my work displayed somewhere people might appreciate it seems like it would feel really cool.

Showing a mix of journalistic and artistic work would be a neat feat to beat while I take a seat and eat.

Okay, that's it.

WTF: Workin' the Facts: Forgetful Fire

I had one of those times where you seem to forget everything. That bugs the living hell out of me, because I always try to be super prepared, but I exposed a few flaws in my system last night.

After I left work I got a weird call asking about the scene I was headed to, which was news to me because I was in my kitchen about to eat some ice cream. Straight from the tub, if you must know!

Apparently someone, who sounded just like me, called in a tip about something happening in Freeport, a town between Clute and the Gulf. So, right from the start there was lots of confusion.

I'm still learning town names, let alone the layouts and side streets. So hunting "a bunch of cop cars" in a fairly decent sized town I haven't traveled a lot had me a little off set before I even left the apartment.

Driving to the point I was starting to get nervous about missing it, I managed to find the scene, a house fire, by rolling my window down.

Feeling like super-sniffer equipped, awesome detective photographer man I grabbed my gear bag and pulled out my camera, instantly feeling my stomach sink because of a noticeable difference in weight.

I left my battery on the charger in my apartment. Sure, I have an extra battery in my bag, but not with the attachment to actually put it in the camera. Capital F!

I also didn't have my memory cards that I usually carry, luckily I have like 60 of the damned things, so I knew there was one in my car somewhere.

But I had my work backup, the pitiful D2H in my hatch. But at a night fire I'd have a better chance drawing the scene with a pin and a bloody finger tip on a soggy piece of cardboard.

I also had my D300, which is not as good as the D3 in the darkness, but decent when they are in tip-top shape...which mine is not. It also had little remaining battery power.

UGH!



A few of the shots have some really wonky colors going on. On a few of them I think it actually made a cool effect.

I also dropped my pen between my car and the scene.

But after circling the house, with the many, many looky-loos, trying to get some good scene shots I moved in for the kill. And by "kill" I mean grainy, low light somewhat decent photos.

And got my socks wet, which makes me cranky.

But I got a mention in paper's facebook posting about it, which was cool.

Facebook: The Facts Fire is on the corner of Eighth Street and Yaupon in Freeport. House is totally gutted, collapsed in parts and still burning in others, photographer Ryan Evon reports. Online records from the county appraisal district indicate it's a rental property.

But, it wasn't a total disaster...for me, picture-wise. The fire was terrible.

It's kind of weird, journalists talk about fires or crashes as good. "Yeah, that was a really good fire." From a coverage stand-point, we don't want people to be homeless, but we do like to have stuff to do. It may seem a little sick, but...well, it can be, but not on purpose.

WTF: Workin' the Facts: Month 1 : Mass Update

This is gonna be a long one, so settle in. I don't have the internet at home...still, so I'm doing this all in one shot.

I've been working, trying to do my best, I'm currently filled with snot and miserable because of a cold/flu hybrid that seems to have been engineered to kill an ordinary human. But I'm hanging on.

Workin'

I'm still trying to figure out why somethings run and others don't. This is nothing new at newspapers, but it still always baffles me.

This shot of a kid at a circus with a light saber was fun, the one I turned in actually had him and his aunt next to him laughing, so the moment was there, the light was pretty, neat colors. But it ran inside... black and white. Seriously? COME ON! I got frickin' light sabers over here!

I don't know. Most of the time they get it right and try to do cool packages with stylized headlines and color schemes that match the photos. Everything plays well together. The biggest complaint I have is that the layout for 1A is usually a column on each side of the main story.

Which only leaves, at most, 3 columns for the main photo. With the gutters that's like maybe 5 inches. It seems so pitiful. That's what she said.

One thing I like about The Facts is that they don't fall into the trap a lot of papers have been. With slowing numbers in readership and ads papers seem to panic and try to grab at every community that is within reach, often over extending themselves.

I'm sure some would take a offense to this, but tell me it isn't the truth; at the Sun we covered three counties, but none of them well. One reporter per county is ridiculous and when some don't do their jobs it makes it worse.

Yeah, the one county here is just as big as the three counties there...but that's what I'm saying. They don't cover it all because it would be over reaching. I like that.

The Facts actually cut some local high schools from their coverage. That way you focus and really work the beats you have, hopefully getting back some of the local people you lost, not doing some scattershot attempt in an area that's already covered by someone else.

Football is winding down, and as local teams got knocked out we did extend, but only back to a team they used to cover. But then they lost too. But, Pearland is still in it. So the sports guys (and myself as well) are hoping we can find an excuse to go to Dallas for the state championship. Fingers crossed.

Now some fun football art.

D-FENCE!

I like the little kid's face. :D

The Agony of Defeat

This is the top dog player for Columbia High getting a hug from a teacher that is rabid about the football program. Their best season in decades came to a quick and brutal end in the semifinals.

Sometimes you get crap about shooting people crying. "Don't you have a soul?" Well, I might...but that doesn't matter. These moments are the pinnacle of journalism. Images of raw emotion are as close as you can get to conveying the absolute truth. And if you can do it without getting threatened by a 300 pound gorilla then it's even better. Right, Proctor?

We shoot a lot of football, even practices, because people are that into their teams. But it is making me continually try to be more creative and make interesting shots. Sometimes it works.

Black Friday
I had a funny thought shooting the insanity that is Black Friday. As people were lined up beside the Best Buy trying to shield themselves from what can only be called a savagely brutal wind, I thought to myself; "This probably isn't what they meant when they wrote 'huddled masses' on the Statue of Liberty." This is what our country has become though.

But hey, I got a hell of a deal on a TV. By the time I actually pay it off on my credit card it'll be closer to sticker price, but mine was dying and TV/movies/video games are really the only form of entertainment I have. I could read...but I like to save that option for when the power goes out.

Never liked to do a lot of posed portraits for newspapers, but those are a part of the sports deal here too. Preview stories, all area teams, etc.

And the more I think about it, I think it is good. Because I do like portrait work in my off time. So getting paid to do it should be fun too. As long as I try to do something creative and interesting.

Didn't have a lot of prep time on this one, but I like it.

This one not as much, but still works.

Didn't get a lot of heads up on this one. I thought it was going to be an inside thing, but it wasn't. Luckily I had an extra light with me, so I was able to make it work. I felt bad because it was 50 degrees, so all of these girls were cold.

I feel like I'm even starting to lose my cold tolerance a little. Maybe it's just cause I'm sick.

This is from a play at the local college. It was pretty damned funny, some shots were blurry because I was laughing so hard. Didn't get to see all of it, might go back.

Sort of a pre-Seinfeld crazy neighbor character.

That's it. I'm going home for lunch